I follow a Tweeter named Juicy Morsel, who recently tweeted: “The thing about women, guys, is that they can be honest or pleasing. Pick one.”
Today, I will be honest. Guys, if you don’t get why you didn’t make it to date #2 with us girls, you might consider avoiding these bad behaviors.
(Names were changed to protect the clueless.)
- Go all-out with the hipster thing. Dress like Pigpen from Charlie Brown and adorn the summit of your head with an unsexy, Flowbee haircut. Wrap your ill-fitting skinny jeans around your buttless hips and top it all off with conversation about everything you hate. Announce you’re a Very Picky Man who only dates females who “take care of themselves” appearance-wise.
- Ask if our parents exercise. Follow up with, “Who do you look more like, your Mom or Dad?” I always answer such inquiries by leaning in and whispering in my sexiest voice, “Sugar. Are you trying to analyze my future fatness potential?” and smiling wickedly while you, Mr. Slick, unsuccessfully attempt to stammer your way back out of the doghouse.
- Instead of asking us out with, “What are you doing Saturday night? Do you like sushi?” say “Let’s have Scott time.” because your name is totally Scott.
- Ramble on for hours without stopping to let us respond. At the end of the night, when we’ve said no more than five words (interrupting you to order dinner), exclaim “This is the best date I’ve ever been on in my life!”
- Impress us with your profundity. Complain that “Computers are never wrong. The only reason yours messes up is human error.” in that whiny, imperious geek voice.
- Don’t ask us on a proper date. Instead, use our phone numbers to text nightly requests for “sexy pictures.” Continue asking even when we could be Olympic Gold Medalists in Ignoring You.
- Give us your digits and say, “Call me.” No. Regardless of what men say, they don’t want women who pursue. Especially in the beginning.
- Trick us into going out with you. Say, “We’re ALL meeting at the restaurant and then going to the movie.” Then show up alone in a suit, smelling like a Drakkar factory and holding two dozen roses.
- Order a sauceless 40 oz. salmon steak, dry spinach, and a water. Say, “I uh, dig sports, football, basketball, working out, staying fit, hang gliding, baseball, weight lifting, hangin out with the guys, Will Ferrell, martial arts movies, and beer. Very few chicks share my interests… but I keep looking.”
- Say you’re holding out for a special girl. Emphasize your point with derogatory comments about trashy women who sleep with guys on the first date. Ditch girls who won’t sleep with you at the end of the second date.
- Knock back a couple Guinness and try to kiss us at the end of the night. Seriously, do y’all not know it gives you death breath? An overripe homeless person in 100-degree weather smells better. Breath mints, my Hotties, breath mints.
- Say romantic and uncontroversial things like, “Church is for weak-minded sissies” before we even order a sweet tea.
- Attempt to impress us by bouncing a screaming toddler on your knee who obviously is terrified of you.
- After dinner, when you take us by the hand and walk us to the next destination, decide the breeze is sufficient, and fart.
Trust me, the breeze is never sufficient.
Have you experienced heinous date behavior? Do tell. 😉