Time Off for Bad Behavior

I follow a Tweeter named Juicy Morsel, who recently tweeted: “The thing about women, guys, is that they can be honest or pleasing. Pick one.”

Today, I will be honest. Guys, if you don’t get why you didn’t make it to date #2 with us girls, you might consider avoiding these bad behaviors.

(Names were changed to protect the clueless.)

  • Go all-out with the hipster thing. Dress like Pigpen from Charlie Brown and adorn the summit of your head with an unsexy, Flowbee haircut. Wrap your ill-fitting skinny jeans around your buttless hips and top it all off with conversation about everything you hate. Announce you’re a Very Picky Man who only dates females who “take care of themselves” appearance-wise.
  • Ask if our parents exercise. Follow up with, “Who do you look more like, your Mom or Dad?” I always answer such inquiries by leaning in and whispering in my sexiest voice, “Sugar. Are you trying to analyze my future fatness potential?” and smiling wickedly while you, Mr. Slick, unsuccessfully attempt to stammer your way back out of the doghouse.
  • Instead of asking us out with, “What are you doing Saturday night? Do you like sushi?” say “Let’s have Scott time.” because your name is totally Scott.
  • Ramble on for hours without stopping to let us respond. At the end of the night, when we’ve said no more than five words (interrupting you to order dinner), exclaim “This is the best date I’ve ever been on in my life!”
  • Impress us with your profundity. Complain that “Computers are never wrong. The only reason yours messes up is human error.” in that whiny, imperious geek voice.
  • Don’t ask us on a proper date. Instead, use our phone numbers to text nightly requests for “sexy pictures.” Continue asking even when we could be Olympic Gold Medalists in Ignoring You.
  • Give us your digits and say, “Call me.”  No.  Regardless of what men say, they don’t want women who pursue. Especially in the beginning.
  • Trick us into going out with you. Say, “We’re ALL meeting at the restaurant and then going to the movie.” Then show up alone in a suit, smelling like a Drakkar factory and holding two dozen roses.
  • Order a sauceless 40 oz. salmon steak, dry spinach, and a water. Say, “I uh, dig sports, football, basketball, working out, staying fit, hang gliding, baseball, weight lifting, hangin out with the guys, Will Ferrell, martial arts movies, and beer. Very few chicks share my interests… but I keep looking.”
  • Say you’re holding out for a special girl. Emphasize your point with derogatory comments about trashy women who sleep with guys on the first date. Ditch girls who won’t sleep with you at the end of the second date.
  • Knock back a couple Guinness and try to kiss us at the end of the night. Seriously, do y’all not know it gives you death breath? An overripe homeless person in 100-degree weather smells better. Breath mints, my Hotties, breath mints.
  • Say romantic and uncontroversial things like, “Church is for weak-minded sissies” before we even order a sweet tea.
  • Attempt to impress us by bouncing a screaming toddler on your knee who obviously is terrified of you.
  • After dinner, when you take us by the hand and walk us to the next destination, decide the breeze is sufficient, and fart. 

Trust me, the breeze is never sufficient.

Have you experienced heinous date behavior? Do tell. 😉



12 thoughts on “Time Off for Bad Behavior

  1. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    Instead of asking us out with, “Do you want to get coffee on Saturday?” say “Let’s have Scott time” because your name happens to be Scott.

    Please, please tell me this did not actually happen!

    I’m trying to think of any truly horrible date behavior. I did have one guy mock me for my intention to convert to Judaism. He didn’t understand at all when I said, “Wow, way to derogate your lineage by calling them collectively crazy! Oh, and you totally just made me see the light!”

    Oh, of course, after the date he proceeded to call me hundreds of times a day for a couple of days . . . straight up till a guy friend picked up the phone and told him what he could do with himself if he bothered harassing me anymore.

    Other than that? Nothing too crazy 🙂

    • indyink says:

      Unfortunately, it did happen.

      Good call losing the guy who mocked your religion. I don’t mind if guys ask questions or even laugh about my religion, but mockery is a deal-breaker. Thanks for your comments, Deborah 🙂

  2. edwincov says:

    This post is awesome.

    I definitely agree on the farting part. You know, from a guy’s perspective, two things that definitely make me hesitate are:

    1) Talking too much. When she’s just going on and on about something and does not seem to catch the signs that I’m not interested in the topic (looking at my watch, that my laugh is fake, etc.)

    2) Rudeness. Eh, I don’t really mind “eating noises” or burps, but talking with your mouth super full, or pulling out your cell phone to check Facebook? C’mon.

    I found this pretty hilarious at the time, but some of my friend’s didn’t think so when I told them the story: In a restaurant, after finishing dinner, the nice girl I was with said “Excuse me” and took off her shoe and started scratching her foot vigorously right there on the spot. It was definitely unattractive..


  3. thechurchinthemirror says:

    “Instead of asking us out with, “What are you doing Saturday night? Do you like sushi?” say “Let’s have Scott time.” because your name is totally Scott.”

    My name is totally Scott, but I would totally never say that.

    • indyink says:

      Your name IS totally Scott. However, Totally Scott, you are totally not the “Scott” in question. I changed names to protect the heinous. It was only after I published this post that I totally remembered my friend named Scott who totally reads Grits and Bottle Rockets. Oops.

      • thechurchinthemirror says:

        LOL, I know, just adding my 2 cents is all.

        I once stopped dating a girl because she wore these hideous cow print heels. I was totally a Seinfeld moment. I just couldn’t date someone that wore those. (That was the deal breaker, but we already weren’t connecting anyway).

  4. Taylor Jamieson says:

    Once upon a time…(before I met my wife)

    … I finally dated the girl of my dreams. She showed me how to fold jeans at The Gap between University classes and like you can only imagine when you’re single she was the ONE…but I was 20 and to my shock she was 17. Ooops! A decade and a couple seriously flawed and failed relationships later we connected again and that was that. She flew west, we laughed, got loaded like we all did in the old Gap days, danced on tables, threw a sandwich at my roommate (long story but couldn’t leave it out) and it was on. We drove and camped in my rusty old Chevy Blazer for two more days from the West Coast to her home east of the Rockies and then it happened…

    When we arrived at her house and she told me not to come up to her bedroom (I didn’t listen) and there it was, a pile of dirty laundry so massive it was the height of her bed when she pushed it off to the floor…and that was it. Well, not really…it was that and the harry knuckles thing (my wife still gets a good laugh out of that one). But the knuckles on their own didn’t make a very good story. 🙂

    Years later…again…I met her in the mall back in her home town and she was married with two kids and wearing the same ring I bought my wife, yes, on her harry handed knuckles.

    So glad we never have to date again!


  5. cal mcd says:

    This is great! Why is it that guys find it absolutely fine to fart at such an early point in a potential relationship? Especially while they can’t even fathom the thought that a girl actually has to use the bathroom at times for reasons other than primping? …and the farting definitely gets worse after you are married. So please guys…save it at least for a little while!

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